top of page
Search

When Feedback Feels Unsafe: The Attachment Wounds Behind Resistance

  • Writer: Piper Harris, APC NCC
    Piper Harris, APC NCC
  • Jun 2
  • 3 min read

It happens more often than people admit: they walk into therapy or coaching seeking clarity and growth, only to find themselves bristling when feedback is offered. On the surface, this reaction may seem contradictory—after all, why invest time, money, and emotional energy into personal development only to resist what could help you change?


The answer often lies beneath the surface. In the roots. In attachment wounds.


This week during my bible study, I explored Acts 18:24–28 and the story of Apollos—a gifted speaker, passionate about sharing the gospel, but missing key elements of the truth. When Priscilla and Aquila gently corrected him, he didn’t react defensively. He received the feedback, applied it, and became even more effective. This is a powerful example of what it looks like to receive correction with humility.


But what if that kind of correction feels unsafe?


The False Friend Filter



In a recent live session, I read the poem Friend by Shel Silverstein. It provided a poignant entry point into a deeper issue: how unresolved attachment wounds can lead us to confuse familiarity with friendship. When we’ve grown up with inconsistent, neglectful, or overly enmeshed relationships, our internal radar becomes unreliable.


We may label someone a "friend" just because they show interest—even if that interest is unhealthy. On the flip side, we may interpret caring feedback as criticism or rejection, simply because it triggers the same emotional pathways carved by early relational pain.


These distorted filters make it difficult to discern who is safe and what is helpful. They lead us to:

  • Push away truth-tellers while clinging to comforters

  • Dismiss red flags because they feel "familiar"

  • Resist feedback because it feels like judgment, not support



Feedback as a Threat to the Self


From a cognitive-behavioral standpoint, feedback often challenges core beliefs—statements we’ve held onto, often unconsciously, for years:


  • "If I’m not perfect, I’m unworthy."

  • "Being wrong means I’m failing."

  • "If someone sees my flaw, they’ll leave."


When feedback pokes these internal narratives, the nervous system can react as if it’s in danger. Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Some clients will argue. Others will shut down. A few may smile and nod while silently shutting you out.


This resistance doesn’t mean someone is "unwilling to change" or "not ready for therapy." It often means they’re protecting something tender.


The Apollos Mindset: Feedback as Formation


Apollos could have shut down when corrected. He was already respected, eloquent, and passionate. But instead of taking offense, he took the invitation.


That kind of teachability isn’t weakness. It’s wisdom.


In both therapy and coaching, my job isn’t to make people feel bad—it’s to guide them toward truth. But truth requires trust. And trust takes time, especially when early experiences have taught you that vulnerability leads to pain.


If you're finding yourself defensive in the face of feedback—from your therapist, spouse, boss, or even a friend—ask yourself:


  • What core belief might this feedback be challenging?

  • Is my reaction about the present moment, or an echo from the past?

  • What would it look like to see feedback as a tool, not a threat?


Let Feedback Lead You


You are not weak for flinching at correction. You are human. But you are also capable of more. Healing requires a willingness to look, listen, and let go of what no longer serves you. Whether you need therapy to untangle deep attachment wounds or coaching to build cognitive strength and emotional resilience, there is a way forward.




Ready to move beyond resistance?


  • Book a consult for therapy: trauma, anxiety, grief, or attachment healing.

  • Book a consult for Cognitive Strength Coaching: for high-functioning adults who want strategic guidance without clinical treatment.



Feedback may sting—but it can also sharpen. Like Apollos, your greatest growth may come right after your greatest discomfort.

 
 
 

Comments

bottom of page