In life, we interact with countless people—some briefly, others more intimately. But not everyone belongs in the deep end of our emotional lives. One of the biggest struggles many people face is misplacing people in their lives, allowing the wrong ones too close, or keeping the right ones at a distance out of fear.
To help my clients understand this, I use an analogy: relationships are like a swimming pool. Where someone belongs in your pool determines how much access they should have to your emotions, energy, and vulnerability.
So, let’s take a deep dive into your pool and evaluate who’s in it, why they’re there, and whether it’s time for some adjustments.
The Layout of Your Relationship Pool
Every person in your life fits somewhere in this pool, from casual acquaintances to your most trusted confidants. The key is knowing where they belong.
1. Outside of the Pool: Everyday Encounters
These are the people you see but don’t interact with deeply—acquaintances, colleagues you barely know, the barista at your favorite coffee shop, the person you nod to at the gym. They may be friendly, but they’re not involved in your emotional world. They are simply walking around the pool, and that’s okay.
2. The Shallow End: Casual Relationships
These individuals play a larger role in your life. They might be coworkers, neighbors, or friends of friends—people you see and engage with regularly but without deep emotional investment. You may share common interests or enjoy time together, but the connection doesn’t extend beyond surface-level conversations.
The shallow end is safe. It allows for interaction without significant risk. But, problems arise when we start confusing these relationships for something deeper than they are.
3. The Slope to the Deep End: The Risk Zone
This is where things can get tricky. People in this section know more about you, and you spend quality time together. You may trust them to a degree, but they haven’t quite earned a spot in the deep end.
For some, the slope feels like enough. They don’t want to venture further, and that’s okay. But for others—especially people pleasers—this is where mistakes often happen.
People-pleasers and those who struggle with boundaries often misinterpret the slope for the deep end. They pour energy, trust, and vulnerability into these relationships, believing the other person will do the same. However, takers, manipulators, or emotionally unavailable individuals tend to congregate in this space.
They may appear to care deeply. They may even love bomb you—showering you with affection, attention, and connection—until they get what they want. But when you start to struggle, when you reach out for support, you may find that they’re nowhere to be found.
They were fine with the relationship as long as you were giving, but the moment they had to step into deeper waters, they backed out. Or worse, they made you feel like your needs were too much.
4. The Deep End: The Few Who Can Tread Water With You
Very few people belong in the deep end. This is where your true inner circle lives—those who know you, accept you, and challenge you.
People in the deep end don’t just offer support when things are easy; they tread water with you when life gets rough. They recognize when you’re struggling and help you come up for air. And when they need you, you do the same.
These relationships are built on mutual trust, respect, and emotional safety. You don’t have to wonder where you stand with these people. You can be fully yourself without fear of abandonment or judgment.
The danger? Many of us place people in the deep end who don’t belong there.
When the Wrong People Are in the Wrong Places
There are a few common mistakes when it comes to relationship placement:
1. Keeping Everyone Out of the Pool
Some people don’t trust easily. They’ve been burned before, so they avoid letting anyone past the walkway. They keep relationships shallow, believing that if they never let anyone in, they can’t get hurt.
While self-protection is understandable, keeping everyone out of the pool leads to loneliness and disconnection. Vulnerability is a risk, but a necessary one for meaningful relationships.
2. Mistaking the Slope for the Deep End
As mentioned earlier, people-pleasers, anxious attachers, and nurturers often struggle here. They meet someone who seems invested, who gives them just enough attention and validation to make them feel valued.
But when hardship comes—when they need someone to reach back and pull them up—the illusion shatters. The person they thought was in their deep end was actually just standing on the slope, unwilling to go any deeper.
3. Holding on to Those Who Are Drowning You
This is one of the hardest truths: some people we love will never be able to tread water with us.
We may see glimpses of who they could be, moments when they offer support, making us believe they belong in our deep end. But in reality, they don’t have the emotional capacity to be there.
Worse, some of these individuals actually pull us under. Instead of being a source of support, they make us feel like we’re drowning.
This can happen in toxic relationships, emotionally draining friendships, or even family connections where love is present, but healthy support is not.
Reassessing Your Pool: A Hard but Necessary Task
It’s okay to rearrange your pool. Just because someone was once in your deep end doesn’t mean they have to stay there. Boundaries are not punishments; they are protections.
Ask yourself:
Who in my deep end has shown that they can truly tread water with me?
Have I mistakenly placed someone in the deep end who should be on the slope?
Are there people I need to move out of the pool altogether?
Have I kept everyone in the shallow end out of fear?
It’s Okay to Swim Freely
The goal isn’t to cut people out of your life without thought—it’s to recognize where they truly belong so that you don’t keep setting yourself up for hurt. You deserve deep-end relationships, but not everyone deserves to be in yours.
When you are intentional about who you let into your deep end, you create space for relationships that bring real connection, security, and joy. And with the right people beside you, you can tread water—and even swim some laps—without fear of drowning.
Looking Ahead: Applying the Pool Analogy to Trauma, Grief, and Anxiety
Understanding where people belong in your life is crucial, but it becomes even more significant when navigating trauma, grief, and anxiety. In the coming blogs, I’ll expand on this analogy through these specific lenses—exploring how past trauma impacts our ability to trust, how grief can shift our relationship placements, and how anxiety can lead to misplaced emotional investments. By recognizing these patterns, we can build stronger boundaries, deepen the right connections, and foster healthier, more resilient relationships. Stay tuned.
Try the complimentary exercise and learn how you can engage your brain AND define your pool.
If you're ready to dive deeper into understanding and reshaping your relational patterns, consider scheduling a session with me.
Together, we can navigate the depths of your experiences and work towards healthier, more fulfilling connections.
Contact me today to take the first step towards a more balanced and intentional relational life.
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