Valentine’s Day. The holiday of grand gestures, overpriced dinners, and heart-shaped everything. While the idea of celebrating love sounds wonderful, the reality is that this “holiday” has become little more than a consumer-driven spectacle.
Florists, jewelers, and greeting card companies cash in on the idea that love must be shown—preferably through expensive gifts and public declarations. But what if we paused to ask: Is this really about love? Or are we feeding into a mindset that equates happiness with indulgence?
This isn’t about being cynical; it’s about being intentional. Because at its core, this push for extravagant displays of love aligns with a broader, more dangerous mindset: hedonism—the belief that life’s purpose is to maximize pleasure and minimize discomfort.
The Hedonistic Illusion: Chasing Fleeting Happiness
Hedonism, in its simplest form, is the idea that pleasure equals happiness. It tells us that the key to fulfillment is more—more indulgence, more excitement, more stimulation.
And at first, it works. Getting gifts, receiving affection, or being the center of attention feels good—for a moment. But then the high fades. The excitement wears off. And we find ourselves needing the next thing to feel fulfilled again.
This phenomenon is called the Hedonic Treadmill—a psychological principle describing how we quickly adapt to pleasure. The thrill of something new is short-lived, and soon, we need more to feel the same level of satisfaction.
A 2010 study in Emotion found that people who chase happiness through external validation—be it material wealth, social approval, or indulgence—often experience increased anxiety and lower long-term well-being. It’s an endless cycle: the more we chase pleasure, the more it slips away.
And guess what? This isn’t just about bad habits—it’s about your brain getting hijacked by your own reward system.
The Brain Science Behind Hedonism: How Your Reward Pathway Works Against You
When we experience something pleasurable—a gift, a grand romantic gesture, a public display of affection—our brain’s reward system activates, releasing dopamine and making us feel good. But, the way this system functions can keep us trapped in chronic dissatisfaction if we’re not aware of how it works.
1. The Ventral Tegmental Area (VTA) – The Starting Line of Pleasure
This area in the midbrain releases dopamine when we anticipate or receive rewards.
The problem? It adapts quickly, meaning what thrilled you today won’t be as exciting tomorrow.
2. The Nucleus Accumbens – Your Brain’s Pleasure Hub
This is where dopamine floods in, reinforcing behaviors that feel good.
But the more we chase pleasure, the more we dull our dopamine receptors, meaning we need bigger and more frequent rewards just to feel the same level of happiness.
3. The Prefrontal Cortex – The Rational Thinker That Gets Overridden
Normally, your prefrontal cortex helps regulate impulses and make long-term decisions.
But, excessive dopamine chasing weakens it, making it harder to resist short-term pleasure in favor of long-term fulfillment.
This is why people who rely on external validation (grand gestures, material gifts, social approval) struggle with emotional stability—their brain has been trained to seek quick fixes over lasting meaning.
4. The Amygdala – Emotional Reinforcement of Toxic Patterns
Your amygdala attaches emotional significance to experiences.
If you constantly associate material gifts with love, or grand gestures with feeling valued, your brain reinforces the idea that love must be proven in these ways—setting up a cycle where relationships become more about performative affection than deep connection.
This neurochemical trap is why people caught in hedonistic patterns feel good temporarily but struggle with long-term contentment. Your brain wasn’t designed for constant high-reward stimulation—it was designed for meaning, growth, and deep connection.
What I See as a Therapist: The Emotional Cost of External Validation
Time and time again, I see clients who have built their self-worth around external validation—whether through relationships, career achievements, or material possessions. These individuals often oscillate between low moods, boredom, and deeper struggles with self-worth.
At best, they live in a state of chronic dissatisfaction. At worst, they slip into patterns of narcissistic tendencies—not in the grandiose, stereotypical sense, but in the more malignant way that manifests as an insatiable need for admiration and control over others’ perceptions of them.
In the context of Valentine’s Day, this shows up in a few ways:
Using Gift-Giving as a Means of Receiving Love – Some people give gifts not out of generosity, but as a way to manipulate or control the perception of their relationships. They may feel entitled to a certain level of affection in return or use gifts to mask deeper relational issues.
Equating Love with Materialism – When someone believes that love must be proven through material means, they are setting themselves up for a constant state of disappointment. No gift, no grand gesture will ever be enough to fill the emotional void they are trying to fix externally.
Measuring Their Worth by Their Partner’s Actions – Some people judge the value of their relationship based on whether their partner “goes big” on Valentine’s Day. If they don’t receive the level of attention they expect, they feel unloved, failing to recognize that love is demonstrated in everyday commitment, not just one-day performances.
If any of this resonates, it’s not about shame—it’s about self-awareness. Recognizing these patterns is the first step in shifting from seeking love externally to cultivating love internally.
The Alternative: Eudaimonic Well-Being
So if hedonism doesn’t lead to lasting fulfillment, what does?
Ancient philosophers—Aristotle in particular—argued that real happiness comes not from indulgence but from eudaimonia: a life built on meaning, virtue, and deep relationships.
Modern psychology agrees. Research consistently shows that long-term well-being is found not in pleasure-seeking, but in purpose-seeking. People who prioritize growth, deep connections, and contributing to something greater than themselves report higher life satisfaction than those who prioritize temporary pleasure.
As Jordan Peterson puts it:
“Pleasure is fleeting and unimportant, while meaning and purpose sustain and fulfill. If you pursue pleasure, you will find emptiness, but if you pursue what is meaningful, you will find joy.”
Final Thought: Love Beyond a Holiday
Love isn’t about grand gestures, and it certainly isn’t about dollar signs. It’s about how we show up for each other—not just on February 14th, but every day.
The most meaningful expressions of love aren’t public or performative. They aren’t about proving something. They’re in the quiet moments—listening, supporting, and showing up when it matters most.
So whether you celebrate Valentine’s Day or not, ask yourself: Is my love performative, or is it rooted in something deeper? Because real love doesn’t need an audience.
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