Self-preservation is a fundamental human instinct—the drive to protect oneself from harm, whether physical, emotional, or psychological. At its core, it ensures survival and can manifest in healthy ways, such as setting boundaries, advocating for oneself, and withdrawing from dangerous situations. But, self-preservation exists on a continuum, ranging from minor adaptations to severe and destructive behaviors. On one end, it appears as simple self-care: avoiding toxic people, saying no, or prioritizing personal well-being. But on the extreme end, it morphs into something far less noble—manipulation, deception, and even gaslighting.
We often talk about the more palatable forms of self-preservation, like people-pleasing and accommodation. These behaviors, though problematic, are socially acceptable. A person might overextend themselves in relationships, avoid conflict at all costs, or excuse harmful behavior because it feels safer than confrontation. These coping mechanisms often stem from fear—fear of rejection, abandonment, or retaliation. But what happens when self-preservation takes a darker turn?
When Self-Preservation Becomes Manipulation
At its worst, self-preservation becomes a tool for control. Instead of merely avoiding harm, some people preemptively strike—twisting facts, distorting reality, and manipulating those around them to ensure their own security. This is where lying, gaslighting, and deceit come into play.
Lying as a Defense Mechanism: Not all lies are malicious, but chronic dishonesty is often rooted in deep-seated fear. A person who has learned that telling the truth leads to punishment may develop a habit of deception—not just to avoid trouble but to maintain a sense of control over their world.
Gaslighting as a Survival Strategy: Gaslighting—manipulating someone into doubting their own reality—is often associated with abusers. But sometimes, people gaslight out of self-preservation. A person who is desperate to avoid accountability might distort facts, rewrite history, or dismiss another’s perception to keep themselves from facing consequences.
Manipulation to Stay in Control: If someone has been in an environment where vulnerability was dangerous, they may use manipulation as a shield. This can look like guilt-tripping, shifting blame, or playing the victim to avoid discomfort. It’s an adaptive behavior that, over time, can become second nature.
The Fine Line Between Protection and Harm
While self-preservation is instinctive, when it crosses into manipulation, it stops being protective and starts being destructive. The person engaging in these behaviors may not even realize how much damage they’re causing. What begins as a survival tactic can spiral into a pattern of harming others to avoid personal discomfort.
How This Shows Up in Relationships and the Therapy Room
I see this continuum play out not just in everyday relationships, but also in the therapy room. Self-preservation, when expressed as avoidance, dishonesty, or control, doesn’t just damage personal relationships—it makes therapy ineffective. Therapy requires honesty, but not everyone walks into the room ready to be honest. Some clients use therapy as a tool for their own manipulation—whether to justify their actions, twist reality, or even use me as a scapegoat in their personal narratives.
I have encountered situations where I’ve been pulled into a client’s deception, only to later realize that I was being used as a tool in their strategy of self-preservation. They may distort what happens in therapy to justify their behavior elsewhere, selectively interpret my words to serve their agenda, or use therapy as a shield to avoid accountability. In these moments, the therapeutic relationship itself can become toxic.
The same patterns appear outside of therapy. If you find yourself in a relationship—personal or professional—where someone’s self-preservation tactics have turned into lying, gaslighting, or manipulation, the best course of action is the same whether you’re a therapist, a friend, or a partner. Here’s how to navigate it:
What to Do If You’re Caught in the Dance with Someone Else’s Manipulation
Identify What Feels “Off”
Are you second-guessing yourself after conversations?
Do they deny things they previously said or shift blame when confronted?
Are you constantly adjusting your behavior to avoid setting them off?
These are red flags that their self-preservation has morphed into manipulation.
Rehearse What You Know to Be Fact
Strip away the emotional confusion and focus on what actually happened.
Write down interactions to maintain clarity and prevent gaslighting from taking hold.
If possible, get a neutral third-party perspective.
Address the Issue Head-On
Confront them calmly with direct facts.
Observe their reaction—do they acknowledge or deflect?
A person acting in good faith will engage in honest dialogue; a manipulator will twist the narrative.
If They Keep Playing the Game, It’s Time to Set Boundaries
If they continue to gaslight or deceive, you need to limit their access to your emotions and energy.
Define what you will and won’t tolerate.
Stick to clear, firm boundaries, and do not justify them—boundaries aren’t negotiations.
Make Necessary Adjustments—Or Cut Ties If Needed
If a person consistently manipulates or refuses accountability, the relationship is dysfunctional.
Adjust your expectations—some people will never change, and waiting for them to is self-sabotage.
If the dynamic is damaging, walking away is not weakness—it’s self-respect.
What This Means in Therapy
As a therapist, the same principles apply. If a client continues to manipulate or refuses accountability, therapy is no longer effective. Access must be cut off. Sometimes, this is the moment that finally pushes them toward real change. Other times, they continue down their path, seeking another therapist who will play into their narrative. That’s their decision—but I won’t participate.
This is also what I advise my clients to do in their own lives. If someone is using self-preservation as a weapon—manipulating, lying, or gaslighting—you don’t need to justify stepping away. There is no obligation to participate in someone else’s deception, whether in therapy or in relationships.
Where Do You or Your Relationships Land: Subtle Self Preservation or Harmful Manipulation?
Not everyone who manipulates does so maliciously—some learned it as a survival skill. But that doesn’t mean it should be tolerated. The ugly side of self-preservation can make people deceptive, controlling, and harmful.
If you find yourself tangled in someone else’s distorted reality, your best self-preservation move is to step away, reclaim your clarity, and reinforce your boundaries.
You don’t have to fight their battle—just choose not to be collateral damage.
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